When working hard isn't working, try this instead

If you’ve ever found yourself working harder than the other person in a conversation—trying to “fix” things or convince them—you’re not alone. It’s human nature to want to help. But in Motivational Interviewing (MI), we know something important:

The more we try to solve someone else’s problems, the less motivated they become.

Not only does it create disengagement, it’s also exhausting. For leaders and helpers, that’s a recipe for frustration.

So what can you do instead?

Shift from effort to understanding

When you stop pushing solutions and start listening to understand, the dynamic changes. If you guessed we should use active listening, you’re right—but not in the surface-level way most people think of it.

Research consistently shows that empathy (the ability to understand another's perspective) is the single most effective quality of a helper or leader. Empathy isn’t soft, and it isn’t passive. It’s a skill. And while we often feel empathy internally, the real question is:

How does the other person know you understand them?

You show it through reflections

Reflective listening is how we communicate empathy. Repeating someone’s exact words back to them (“simple reflections”) lets them know you heard them—but it doesn’t necessarily show understanding.

That’s where complex reflections come in.

These are reflections of:

• feeling (ex.: "That sounds frustrating.")

• meaning (ex.: "You're torn between quitting and not quitting.")

• perspective: (ex.: "From your point of view, the extra tasks mean they’re not really considering your workload.”)

They help people feel understood—and when people feel understood, defensiveness drops and motivation rises.

Reflections take practice (and courage)

It’s totally normal to feel unsure at first. Reflecting someone’s experience requires:

• slowing down

• taking the risk of getting it slightly wrong

• staying nonjudgmental

There’s no single “right” reflection.You might start with:

• “You feel…”

• “It sounds like…”

• “You’re torn because…”

• “A part of you wants…”

What matters most is connection, not perfection.

Want support building these skills?

If you want to strengthen your MI skills—especially complex and strategic reflections—I now offer individual MI coaching sessions for professionals and leaders. It’s a safe, supportive space to practice the skills that build trust, engagement, and motivation.

👉 Book a Coaching Session